STORM & GOLDEN SKY: Documentation & full text

DESIRE,

MARKETED AND TRANSMUTED

VIA THE SALE OF AN OBJECT.

IS CHARGED BY

GAZE, PROJECTION, INCORPORATION, TRANSFERENCE.

HEIGHTENED EXCHANGE-VALUE

PROTRACT, PROTRACT

INGESTING, HOLDING APART

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The desire games I play as a garment trader on Ebay are perhaps some sort of perverse ethics, a literal and metaphoric accumulation of material, on planes of the economic and psychic. I tend to see it as  an(other) practice of postponement of gratification. Except this mode of deferral is obviously permanent - sliding very neatly into an entwined anguished attachment I maintain to the philosophical concept of never arriving.

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I GO WEAK AT THE KNEES SHE WROTE

WHEN FACE TO OBJECT WITH

A THING OR TRACE OR PRELUSION OF DESIRE,

“OF FANTASY WHOSE CONTENTS

ILLUSTRATE THE PROCESS

WHEREBY THE TOPOGRAPHY

IS ON THE VERGE
OF BEING TRANSFORMED,”

SOMETHING ABOUT THE PASSAGE OF FANTASY

WHEN IT IS NOT
TRUNCATED OR DEFORMED.

SOMETHING THERE ABOUT HOW MY DESIRE IS PERVERSE,
IT MAKES ME FEEL SICK TO READ IT, EROS OF SICKNESS,

INTESTINAL CHURN, WHERE THE REAL CORE IS,
ERRONEOUSLY DESIGNATED TO THE HEART.

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Hesitation on the edge of transformative dialogue is totally libidinal. It’s opposed to danger because it makes risk ambiguous, one may or may not fall, one maintains some command of oneself for what that is worth in the realm of base sensuality, or its possibility.

Holding tight as an obvious strategy for the avoidance of letting go.

I can’t not see IT, like sharing, as erotic, and I don’t know how normal that is or even what normal is, but I do know that it operates in the space between eros and violence in the sense of violating the desires of the other. Dominance. Performance. I was a WANNABE TOP.

Parasites, vampires and werewolves operate at varied integers on the map of desire: instinctually, manipulatively, and in spite of themselves.

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MARIA TOROK AND NICOLAS ABRAHAM WROTE

THERE IS [ALSO] A TYPE OF PHANTASY WHOSE CONTENTS ILLUSTRATE THE PROCESS WHEREBY THE TOPOGRAPHY IS ON THE VERGE OF BEING TRANSFORMED. SUCH IS THE FANTASY OF INCORPORATION. INTRODUCING ALL OR PART OF A LOVE OBJECT OR A THING INTO ONE’S OWN BODY, POSSESSING, EXPELLING OR ALTERNATIVELY ACQUIRING, KEEPING OR LOSING IT - HERE ARE VARIETIES OF FANTASIES INDICATING, IN THE TYPICAL FORMS OF POSSESSION OR FEIGNED DISPOSSESSION, A BASIC INTRAPSYCHIC SITUATION:THE SITUATION CREATED BY THE REALITY OF A LOSS SUSTAINED BY THE PSYCHE.”

OBJECT RESISTANCE

WEAK AT THE KNEES

DESIRE GENERATED BY SPACE

THROUGH A MECHANICS OF DEFERRAL.

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GARMENT FETISHISM:

These garments are fetishes endowed with magical qualities; like commodity fetishes they too are empty vessels. These garments are both too much and not enough, and in this way they are like the mother’s body. What they offer depends entirely on their status as accessories to an already material state, they have illustrative potential. In and of themselves these erogenous objects with which I think my attachments and my desire, they are literally attenuated forms, starved of live, dead things whose death I maintain through my refusal to enter them. Maybe I make too much of it, maybe I am sick, maybe this is normal, perhaps the potential for libidinal plenitude is horrific for everybody.

In the dream a lover wore this blouse. He looked really good in it and it really turned me on in this really specific way, a particular type of pornographic desire, which operates in the space between eros and violence, that is looking and identifying - narcissism, anaclisis - I can hardly tolerate the collapse of subject and object.

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WHEN YOU HOLD ON THERE IS LESS CHANCE OF FALLING.

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when I made blank love, dislocated love glazed-over diverted ravenous libidinal frenzy vampiric horror love - desire like gulping down no savouring -

SAVIOURS in the form of flesh and blood, save me, change me, that’s my desire.

maintaining

objectification-shame via disorientation of being/having. Pushing

the horror of a pornographic imagination informed by the lapsed

Catholicism of my mother back inside. Meddling with public/private.

A Protestant-rural-corrupted grandfather intoning

DENY, DENY, DENY,

whilst the shame/guilt dyad rolls on.

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Accounting for this:

Trying to explain the body at the seam of psyche and soma: without yet deciphering it nor foreclosing its potential for transformation. I have been thinking about compassion and that it probably begins here, in the conversation, sometimes witnessed, that one has with oneself. This is almost definitely not what it purports to be - this is how it is possible, how I am reading-writing. Please be patient and I hope some of this resonates.  urge to decipher in spite of shaky faith in the operation of comprehension, counterposed to

signification loading,

complicating complexities,

churning inside the cauldron

murkifying trajectories.

shame/guilt is a perfect storm of Catholicism and Protestantism

introducing an impediment in the play of attraction, desire and attachment. But that blouse: that 1980s TESSARA oversized slouchy layer blue greek abstract beach blouse, synthetic silken royal blue and embellished with proto-Greek Parthenon forms in white, blistering white on aegean blue, and his smooth lithe body inside it. A single, metallic button.

_________________________________________________________________________________Dilation:

I have another one similar, gold lame, a body sheathe. The word for female genitals is derived from the Latin vagina: scabbard sheathe, a hull or a husk, a covering, an enclosure, something protective, something hardy) The dress is none of these things it is more membranous like a second skin like a sausage skin a pig intestine wrapped tightly around meat, it is synthetic, clingy, transformative I only ever wore it once I was high on half a pill in my room with a lover I incorporated the pill and the dress into/onto my body, skin is also known as hide, sometimes when we touch and I am high on you it seems where our skin touches it grafts.

This garment is a reliquary for erotic excess.

This hot sexy negligee peach pink lace plunge slip.

A vestige of Emannuelle, from the ragged pages of soft porn, that I dare not try on. It is steeped, dripping, anointed with my trepidation at the very thought of a transformative dialogue. I can only phantasize my body inside it, against it, enveloped by it; can only bear to project myself as an imaginary corporeal metaphor. sensorial responsivity to the flesh of this garment - this skin on my skin - is bound to a charged fantasy of delayed gratification. what is possible as a sexed body a perforated sensual membrane a form a material thing distending the skin of this silken sheath this other membrane cut by transparent sections of lace.

I know its entirety - I know I love it - I know it’s entirety in the register of an admitted horror of proximity, horror of gratification, horror of identification. I know its’ multiple vertical bisections with lace panels achingly obfuscating flesh.

Maintain the eroticism of being somewhat concealed.

I want to worship you.

                I want to serve you.

                                I want you to yield something unspeakable to me.

                                                       unable to meet the demands of this garment.

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VISCERA:

I EQUATE THE DEFERRAL TO WHICH I AM ALLUDING WITH
PRAXES OF MOTHERING THAT EXISTED BEFORE I BORE A CHILD.

IT WAS ALWAYS THIS WAY, LIKE:
SCRATCH ME BUT DON’T CROSS BODY THRESHOLDS, NUMB FUCKING WITHOUT FEELING ALL SURFACES I REMEMBER KRAFTWERK PLAYING ON A LOOP DURING AN ODIOUS THREEWAY GUILT/SHAME SWALLOW SICK

THESE WERE ALL FLESH WOUNDS PRECEDING THE

EXTIRPATION AS OPPOSED TO EXTRACTION OF A BODY FROM MY BODY BECOMING A MOTHER WOUND WOUNDED BY BIRTH:

SHE SLID OUT.
THE ULTIMATE PENETRATION

IN REVERSE.

I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM SPEAKING THIS OUT LOUD BECAUSE IT IS ACTUALLY TRUE. I QUOTE REBECCA, AGED 13, ON ANAL FUCKING: “IT’S JUST LIKE HAVING A BIG SHIT, BACKWARDS.”

FOR ME, IT WAS ALWAYS THIS WAY, LIKE: HOLD ME AT THE CRITICAL JUNCTURE

IT WAS ALWAYS: PROTRACT THIS PSYCHIC-CORPOREAL COMING UP ON YOU ON THE CHEMICAL SOUP WE ARE MAKING IN THIS CONVERGENCE IN THIS LIBIDINALLY CHARGED TUMESCENCE OF SPACE WHERE WE COULD ACCELERATE OR REORDER TIME WE COULD ALWAYS PROTRACT THIS.

IT WAS ALWAYS LIKE: HOLD US APART.

AS SUCH, BEING A MOTHER IS A
CONVENIENT OBFUSCATORY STRATEGY.

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I PROFIT FROM GARMENT FETISHISM TO FEED US PAY OUR WAY GO PLACES. YES I FEEL GUILTY THAT I DON’T SUFFER MORE FROM MY PRECARITY THIS IS THE RESIDUE OF A PROTESTANT WORK ETHIC I LEARNED BY OSMOSIS VIA AN ABSENT FATHER WHO WON’T APOLOGISE FOR IT IN SPITE OF THE COLLAPSE OF HIS MINI-EMPIRE.

MARX WROTE: FETISHISM IS “THE RELIGION OF SENSUOUS APPETITES”, FANTASY TRICKS THE FETISH WORSHIPPER INTO BELIEVING THAT THEIR FETISH OBJECT WILL YIELD, WILL GRATIFY THE DESIRES OF SAID WORSHIPPER.

SCOPOPHILIA DESCRIBES THE LIBIDINAL PLEASURE

PRODUCED BY LOOKING AT EROTC OBJECTS

WHAT IS AN EROTIC OBJECT?

SCOPO: TO LOOK

PHILIA: TO HAVE A TENDENCY TOWARDS

PHILIA: BROTHERLY LOVE

PHOBIA IS ITS OPPOSITE

PHILIA: FRIENDSHIP
PHILIA: AFFECTION

SCOPOPHILIA IS A TRANSLATION OF FREUD’S SCHAULUST, OR PLEASURE IN LOOKING

FREUD WROTE: INTROJECTION IS SUBLIMATED INTO AN INTEREST IN (VISUAL) ART: THE RETREAT FROM CONCRETE OBJECTS INTO A WORLD OF ABSTRACTION LOOKING AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR ACTING SO AS TO AVOID GUILT

SCOPOPHILIA AND THE APPREHENSION OF THE OTHER

THE VIOLENCE OF THEIR GAZE MY GAZE

EROS OF SHARING AS A MECHANISM

FOR THE PRODUCTION OF INTIMACY ATTACHMENT IDENTIFICATION CONFIRMATION.

TAKE YOUR TIME I SAY; I AM WATCHING

YOU ARE LISTENING/READING

THE CONVERSATION I PRESUME TO HAVE WITH THE GARMENTS IS IN FACT A CONVERSATION WITH MY DESIRE WHICH IS IN TATTERS AND BONDAGE: I WANT YOU BUT YOU PASS THROUGH ME, YOU ARE CURRENCY IN SPITE OF MY DESIRE, I DESIRE YOU FOR WHAT, WEAVED INTO YOUR TEXTILE, YOU MIGHT ENDOW ME WITH, WHAT MIGHT I BECOME, HOW MIGHT I READ, HOW WILL I FEEL BENEATH YOU, A NEW SKIN A FRESHLY PENETRABLE MEMBRANE

LIKE RAT MAN I

HAVE A BURNING AND TORMENTING CURIOSITY

TO SEE MYSELF INSIDE YOU.

WHAT’S NOT SICK ABOUT THIS I MEAN, IT’S PURE OBJECTIFICATION IT VIOLATES AND ALSO INTERRUPTS ANY FLOW I MIGHT HAVE: IT IS A DISRUPTIVE INTEGER IN THE CONSTRUCTION OF A SELF THAT MIGHT LEAD TO A LIFE

A PHANTASMAGORICAL POTENTIAL

THAT IS DISRUPTED AND THEREFORE
GRATIFICATION IS PERMANENTLY POSTPONED.

THE POSTPONEMENT OF GRATIFICATION IS

THE ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF NEUROTIC
NARCISSISTIC BORDER POLICING

WHO POLICES THE BOUNDARIES?

SELF AGAINST SELF INSIDE SELF
SAFEGUARDING THE BODY FROM

EXTERNAL TRESPASS

ONE MUST STOP THIS

ONE MUST

I MUST

SPEAK DESIRE

UNCLOAK IT

IN THIS WAY THE GARMENTS
ARE BUT TRACES

OF MISLAIDTREASURES

TO BE SATED IS TO BE LIBERATED FROM DESIRE.

IN THIS SENSE DESIRE IS BONDAGE. THE DESIRE OF DESIRE IS TO NO LONGER DESIRE TO SELF-IMMOLATE TO SURRENDER TO YIELD TO DESIRE.

DESIRING SELF GOES TOE TO TOE
WITH CONSTABULARY SELF.

THE WORD ‘ANACLITIC’ IS DERIVED

FROM THE GREEK TO RECLINE, TO LEAN ON;

FREUDIAN ‘ANACLISIS’ REFERS TO THE EARLY RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN SEXUAL AND SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCTS.

AROUND THE MARK OF MOTHER, MOTHER-SOURCE, MOTHER-WOUND.

ANACLITIC OBJECT-CHOICE REFERS TO THE SUBJECT BASING HER PRESERVATION INSTINCTS ON THE OBJECT OF DESIRE.

ANACLITIC IS COUNTERPOSED TO NARCISSISTIC OBJECT-ATTACHMENT,

IN WHICH A LOVE-OBJECT IS TAKEN AS A MODEL OF SUBJECT’S OWN SELF< REPRESENTING SOME ASPECT OR OTHER OF HIMSELF>

A CRUEL TYPE OF OBJECT ATTACHMENT:

THESE TAXONOMIES LIE NOT ON A SPECTRUM.

RATHER, INTERTWINED,

I CANNOT ISOLATE THEM,

REMEMBER: “CIPHER, DON’T DECIPHER”

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COLLATION, ADMINISTRATION

AND DISPENSARY OF DESIRE

YIELD TO ME, I SAY TO ME, I SAY TO THEE:

BRING ME OUT, MAKE ME IRRUPT

THIS IS WHAT I SAY TO THE EROTIC OBJECT

AND THE OBJECT NEVER CEASES TO GLAMOUR ME

GAZE TURNED INWARD NOT MIRRORED

BUT I INTERJECT, DEFER GRATIFICATION

PERMANENTLY, I SPEND YOU INSTEAD

I EXCHANGE EROS FOR CASH

MONETISED SCOPOPHILIC FETISH

PROJECTED THROUGH DISEMBODIED

OBJECTIFIED CORPOREAL REAL UNREAL

WHERE ALL OPERATIONS ARE CALCULATING.

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EPILOGUE:

CLAIRE WAS A PROFESSIONAL SUBMISSIVE

BEFORE PERFORMING AN EROTIC REVERSAL;

VINNY SAYS THE BEST TOPS ARE

USUALLY ALSO OR WERE PREVIOUSLY

EXPERT BOTTOMS. RETHINKING THE IDEA OF WHAT

CONSTITUTES A BINARY DUALISM IN THE BROADEST
SENSE, IN RELATION TO OR IN DIALOGUE WITH

THE IDEA OF A SPECTRUM AND ITS POTENTIALS.

‘TOPS & BOTS’ IS A PHRASE COINED BY POTTER

TO DESCRIBE A COLLAPSE OF UNITY IN THE

FRAME OF A COHERENT FASHION SENSE

THE SPLITTING OF THE BODY AT THE WAIST

IS TOTALLY SENSICAL: THE SENSE OF DISUNITY,

I GET IT WE GET IT, WE KNOW THE DISTANCE IN PROXIMITY//

THE PROXIMITY IN DISTANCE: WE KNOW THE WAR, WRESTING WITH GHOSTS, ALL LOVE’S VIOLENCES & HIDDEN VALENCES.

LUCY SAYS SEX DYNAMICS ARE OFTEN
OPPOSITE TO THE QUOTIDIAN DYNAMICS

OF EVERYDAY RELATIONALITY.

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DESIRE POSTPONED VIA AN OBJECT ON THE MARKET IS ACCURSED, I BELIEVE.

I BELIEVE THIS DESIRE TO BE ACCURSED

ENFORCED OPACITY ITS OBJECTIFICATION, IN FACT,

WHICH IS

BOTH INTENTION AND AFFECT.

I BELIEVE THIS TO BE SO,

OBJECTS PURPORTED TO BE INTIMATE.

PURPORTED DEPTH

TOTAL SUBSERVIENCE